Clueless Campers
by animationiscool
Summary: Rocky and Bullwinkle try to go camping, but they get lost in the woods. Meanwhile, Boris and Natasha try to follow Rocky and Bullwinkle and capture them.
1. Clueless Campers

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Race for Your Life, Rocky and Bullwinkle or Clueless Campers**

Narrator: In Pottsylvania, no-goodniks Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale receive a letter from their boss, Fearless Leader. The purpose of this letter is to inform them about a top-secret meeting.

Natasha: Boris dollink, we have a letter from Fearless Leader!

Boris: It says that we are supposed to be at a top-secret meeting.

Narrator: I already said that, you idiots! Didn't you listen to a word of my expository narration? Honestly, sometimes I get the feeling that nobody listens to my commentary, and…

Boris and Natasha stare at the narrator, and then they ignore his ranting. He eventually stops ranting and continues.

Narrator: The no-goodniks set off to look for the elusive, well-hidden location for the conference.

Boris: This is impossible! We have been searching for hours, but we still can't find out where we are supposed to be!

Natasha: Maybe he wants us to meet him there?

She points out a building surrounded by large, neon signs with the words, "Central Control, Fearless Leader's hideout" written on them.

Narrator: Fearless Leader is impatiently waiting for his henchmen to arrive at Central Control. He sees them enter his office, and is eager to start the conference.

Fearless Leader: Where have you dummkopfs been?

Boris: Sorry, boss, but we could not find your elusive, well-hidden hideout.

Fearless Leader: Bwahahaha! That's a good one! I assembled neon signs all over the entrance. No one could possibly be confused and not know where to find it! Surely you must be joking.

Natasha looks at Boris, who awkwardly fidgets and does not answer.

Fearless Leader: …You _were_ joking, right?

Natasha: No dollink, Boris really couldn't find Central Control. I had to point out the signs for him.

He gawks at them with disbelief.

Fearless Leader: …Anyway, I have a very important assignment for you two. Your mission is to capture Moose and Squirrel.

Natasha: Again?

Fearless Leader: Natasha, you are starting to sound like Squirrel!

Natasha: Sorry, boss, it's just that _all_ of our missions seem to involve us trying to capture Moose and Squirrel.

Boris: And our traps never work!

Fearless Leader: Yes, but you didn't have a particular trap that I have just discovered. With this contraption, you are guaranteed to catch Moose and Squirrel!

Natasha: That's wonderful, dollink!

Boris: You are the greatest leader ever! Where is your invention?

Fearless Leader: It is in the secret laboratory. Follow me, mach schnell!

He walks to a metal door next to a button with the words, "secret laboratory" on it. He presses the button, and the door opens.

Narrator: And so, the no-goodniks follow their boss into the "secret" laboratory, where the despicable device is located.

Fearless Leader: This is my invention that will get Moose and Squirrel once and for all!

Natasha: The trap looks like a hole in the floor.

Fearless Leader: Yes, but it will be covered with grass and sticks for camouflage. We put bait over it, and when they try to get the bait, they fall in the hole and cannot get out! Bwahahaha! I impress myself with my ingenuity.

Natasha: Are you sure that you invented this trap? I think I have seen it before.

Boris: And it should have a bomb in it, or lots of explosives!

Fearless Leader: Are you questioning the brilliance of _me_, your Fearless Leader? Of course I invented it, and it will work perfectly without bombs or explosives. Besides, the scientists are on vacation and the secret lab is way under budget. Now, go kill Moose and Squirrel, or you are both fired!

Boris and Natasha: Yes, sir!

* * *

Narrator: In Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, our heroes Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose are getting ready for a camping trip.

Bullwinkle: Oh boy Rocky, we're going on a camping trip!

Narrator: I already said that! Why doesn't anyone listen to my narration, why?

Rocky: I like your commentary.

Narrator: Really? Oh thank you, Rocky! Finally, I'm appreciated!

Rocky: Do we have the supplies that we need to go camping, Bullwinkle?

Bullwinkle: Sure! I put everything in this little bag.

He shows Rocky a huge bag that is almost as high as the ceiling.

Rocky: Um, okay, I guess we have everything.

Just before they leave, Bullwinkle nails a piece of paper to the front door.

Bullwinkle: If anyone needs our help, they'll know we're going to Frostbite Falls National Park.

Narrator: As Rocky and Bullwinkle drive to Frostbite Falls National Park, Rocky becomes worried.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you think it's safe to leave a note on the front door? What if Boris and Natasha try to follow us?

Bullwinkle: Don't worry, Rocky. They wouldn't be trying to follow us as we speak.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Boris and Natasha travel to Frostbite Falls so they can test Fearless Leader's "invention".

Natasha: Boris, do you know where Moose and Squirrel's house is?

Boris: Nyet, but we can ask that guy.

They talk to a man in a Navy uniform.

Captain Peter "Wrong Way" Peachfuzz: Hi, I'm Captain Peachfuzz!

Boris: I know you, you are that inept sailor who helps Moose and Squirrel! Do you know where they live?

Peachfuzz: Sure! A moose lives in the woods, and a squirrel lives in a tree.

Natasha: We are looking for a specific moose and squirrel. Their names are Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Peachfuzz: Oh, I think I've heard of them before!

Boris: You should, you were in eight of their adventures, you moron!

Peachfuzz: I'm not sure, but I think they live in a house on North Street. To find it, you have to go, uh, north, I think.

Boris: Finally, an answer! Let's ditch this idiot and get those goodniks!

Peachfuzz: Bye, if you need more expert navigation advice, just ask me.

* * *

Narrator: Our intrepid travellers continue to drive down a deserted road to their destination. Suddenly, their car breaks down!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! How are we going to get to the park now?

Bullwinkle: I'll use my automotive skills to fix the car.

Rocky: But you're not a mechanic.

Bullwinkle: No, but I'm Mr. Know-It-All! Don't you remember when I would give advice about stuff?

Rocky: Yeah, but every time you tried something, it would go disastrously wrong. Why would this be any different?

Bullwinkle: Well, there's a first time for everything.

Narrator: He gets out of the car and… climbs a tree. Wait a minute, what? Bullwinkle, you don't know how to climb trees! And how does climbing a tree relate to fixing your car?

Bullwinkle: If I can see the car from a bird's eye-view, then I can see why it stopped.

Narrator: He continues to climb the tree, and sits on a very long, thin branch. The branch bends and snaps, and the moose falls on top of their car!

Rocky: Bullwinkle, are you all right? Did that hurt?

Bullwinkle: Yeah, but that would probably hurt more.

Narrator: Rocky looks at the tree, and much to his dismay, it is about to fall on them! Will our heroes be able to survive and escape being crushed by a giant tree? Stay tuned for, "A Hard Wood's Gonna Fall" or "What are you Waiting Fir?" for the crashing conclusion.


	2. What are you Waiting Fir?

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**A Hard Wood's Gonna Fall or What are You Waiting Fir?**

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, they had set off on a camping trip. Their car broke down and Bullwinkle tried to fix it by climbing a giant tree. Now the tree is about to crush them!

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Rocky carries Bullwinkle while flying out of the tree's path.

Rocky: That was close.

Bullwinkle: Yeah, but our car is flatter than the titles of this episode.

Rocky: I guess we'll have to walk to the park. Bullwinkle, did you bring the map?

Bullwinkle: I'll look for it.

Narrator: Bullwinkle gets the huge supplies bag out of their crushed car, and searches for the map. After searching through the entire bag, Rocky finds out that his friend had filled it with-

Rocky: Box tops?

Bullwinkle: That's my box top collection! I brought them with us to make sure Boris and Natasha don't try to counterfeit them like they did in the Box Top Robbery episodes.

Rocky: You didn't bring anything else?

Bullwinkle: No, but these box tops are great for hiking through the woods.

Rocky: Why's that?

Bullwinkle: We can use them for shelter. I'll make a tent out of box tops.

Bullwinkle tries to make a tent, but the box tops always fall on him. Eventually, they decide to hike down the road.

Rocky: Hurry, Bullwinkle, we should try to get there before nightfall.

Bullwinkle: But I have to carry my box top collection!

Rocky: If you didn't bring the map with you, where is it?

Bullwinkle: I can't remember, but it'll turn up somewhere.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Rocky and Bullwinkle's neighbourhood, Boris and Natasha are still searching for their house.

Boris: Where the heck is their house?

Natasha: Maybe we should head south. Peachfuzz screws up at everything, so he probably gave us the wrong directions.

Narrator: The spies head south, and are still lost. Then they just trudge around aimlessly. After walking around in circles, they finally find the building. It turns out that it is in the same area where they were talking to Captain Peachfuzz earlier.

Boris: You mean that stupid sailor made us walk around in circles?

Narrator: Yes.

Boris: ...He has no sense of direction whatsoever.

Natasha: And yours is much better?

Boris: Of course! I'm great at finding things.

Natasha: You couldn't find Fearless Leader's hideout. And he put _neon signs _around it, too.

Boris: Shaddup you mouth!

The front door turns out to be locked. They knock on the door and there is no answer.

Boris: No problem. I will break in and look for Moose and Squirrel. Natasha, you can set up the trap.

He sneaks up to a window.

Boris: I'll have to use stealth to take them by surprise.

Narrator: Boris breaks in by cleverly and inconspicuously throwing a bomb through the glass window.

*crash*

*kaboom*

Boris: Haha, I am so clever!

While Boris searches after he breaks into their house, Natasha notices the note that Bullwinkle left on the front door.

Natasha: "Sorry, but we're not home right now. We are driving to Frostbite Falls National Park for a camping trip. The exact directions can be found on a map under the welcome mat. Signed, Bullwinkle. P.S. Don't tell Boris and Natasha where we're going."

Natasha: Boris, Moose and Squirrel went camping. You don't have to look for them in there.

Boris: What? How do you know that?

Natasha: Moose left a note on the door, and a map to Frostbite Falls National Park. We didn't have to be here at all.

Boris: Ha! Moose is so stupid. Anyway, let's use their map to get to the park.

Natasha: You're taking this pretty well. Aren't you frustrated?

Boris: I was, but I feel much better after ransacking their house!

* * *

Narrator: The spies head for the park. Tired of walking, they decide to hitchhike. A car stops for them, and they find out that the driver is-

Captain Peachfuzz: Hi, do you need a lift?

Boris: Oh, no! not you again!

Natasha: Yes, we need to go to Frostbite Falls National Park.

Peachfuzz: Okay, I can get you there. Hop in.

Natasha enters the car, but Boris doesn't move.

Natasha: Boris, get in.

Boris: Are you crazy? I'm not getting into his car. You can't make me. Nothing that you tell me will get me into that car.

Natasha: If you don't capture Moose and Squirrel, Fearless Leader will fire you!

He immediately gets into the sailor's car.

Narrator: Captain Peachfuzz surprisingly finds their destination, but then he starts to drive past it.

Boris: What are you doing?

Peachfuzz: You told me to drop you off at Frostbite Falls National Park, right?

Natasha: Yes, but you're driving away from the park!

Peachfuzz: But that sign says FFNP on it, so it's FFNP Park. Wow, that's a weird name, how do you pronounce that?

Boris: You idiot! That's an acronym.

Peachfuzz: Huh?

Natasha: The sign is Frostbite Falls National Park represented by four letters.

Peachfuzz: Oh, I think I get it. What's an acronym again?

He drives back and stops. Boris and Natasha rush to the front gate.

Peachfuzz: Bye, have fun at FFNP Park.

They meet a forest ranger at the front gate.

Forest Ranger: Sorry, the park is closed for this weekend for renovations.

Boris: But we came here to keel... I mean, look for Moose and Squirrel.

Forest Ranger: I know you'd like to see the wildlife, but you'll have to come back later.

Natasha: Did you talk to a moose and a squirrel driving a car earlier?

Forest Ranger: Uh, no. That would be weird. Anyway, it's getting late, and no one would try to break in. I'll just drive away without bothering to see what you're doing.

As soon as the warden leaves, Boris and Natasha climb over the gate.

Boris: They might show up soon. We should set up the trap.

Natasha: Boris, don't you think we should try something more imaginative than a hole?

Boris: You mean like putting a bomb or explosives in the-

Natasha: No, I was thinking of a new plan.

Boris: I'm only helping you if we use the hole in your plan. If we don't it would be an insult to Fearless Leader, and-

Natasha: _Fine_, we will dig a hole somewhere. Are you happy now?

Boris: Yes, but we need disguises.

* * *

Narrator: The spies set up an elaborate plot to endanger Rocky and Bullwinkle. Soon after they are finished, the adventurous duo sees the entrance.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, we're finally here! It looks open, too. There's a forest ranger guy at the front gate.

Rocky: That forest ranger looks awfully familiar.

Bullwinkle: You say that about a lot of people. Just because a guy is short, pale, and has a moustache doesn't mean that he's familiar, right?

Rocky: All right, but I still think we've seen him before.

Narrator: Rocky and Bullwinkle think they are safe, but they are actually unaware of a perilous plot that endangers their very lives. To find out what the sinister scheme is, stay tuned for, "Hood in the Woods" or "The Forest Dangers".


	3. The Forest Dangers

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**Hoods in the Woods or The Forest Dangers**

Narrator: When we last left our heroes, their car was crushed by a tree, and they hiked to Frostbite Falls National Park. Upon reaching the park, they are greeted by a fishy forest ranger.

"Forest Ranger" (Boris): Hello, I am the park warden. Welcome to Frostbite Falls National Park! As you can see, it is open to visitors who want to go camping at the campsite.

Rocky: But what about the note right next to you?

Boris sees a piece of paper taped to the gate of the entrance, and it says that the park is closed. He hurriedly grabs the note and swallows it.

Ranger: What note?

Rocky: The one you just swallowed.

Ranger: Oh, that note! That was nothing, it didn't say the park was closed for renovations or anything like that. Anyway, I will show you where the cabins are.

Narrator: While our adventurous duo follow the ranger, Rocky becomes increasingly suspicious.

Rocky: *whispering* Bullwinkle, I think he's lying to us.

Bullwinkle: You're always worried or suspicious, Rocky. Why can't you accept that he is a nice, honest forest ranger who just so happens to look like Boris Badenov? We met a lot of people who look like Boris and they weren't him, right?

Rocky: Actually, they were all Boris Badenov.

Bullwinkle: Well, there's a first time for everything.

Rocky: You said that earlier.

Bullwinkle: I know, the writers must be running out of ideas.

Narrator: They walk around for a while, and notice that they're moving deeper and deeper into the woods.

Rocky: Mr. Ranger, are you sure this is where the cabins are?

Ranger: Of course! Now if you just follow me into this isolated secluded area, I will show you your cabin. Heheheh...

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Pottsylvania, Fearless Leader is still in Central Control, and he is waiting for the results of his "invention" from Boris and Natasha.

Fearless Leader: Where are those idiots? I should look for them myself, that way I don't have to just sit here waiting. It gets lonely when I can't threaten or yell at them. And if they fail to capture Moose and Squirrel, I can fire them!

Narrator: The boss sets off to look for his henchmen. He drives the Powitzer, a prototype of a new Potsylvanian tank. Yes, a tank.

Fearless Leader: This tank has a built-in GPS device! I should have no problem with finding Boris and Natasha.

Narrator: Fearless Leader, can I ask you a question?

Fearless Leader: Sure, what is it?

Narrator: If you have a huge, powerful tank on your hands, why didn't you just give it to Boris and Natasha? I mean, wouldn't that make more sense than giving them a trap that's just a hole? Personally, I think you made a mistake.

Fearless: I am Fearless Leader! I don't make mistakes.

Narrator: Yeah, sure... *mumbles* psycho.

Fearless Leader: _What _did you just call me?!?

Narrator: Uh, nothing.

Fearless Leader: I heard that, you called me a psycho. Because of that, after I blast Moose and Squirrel, you're next! Anyway, I will use the GPS to locate Frostbite Falls.

He tries to turn it on, but it does not work. He then sees a note.

Fearless Leader: "Dear Fearless Leader, we were going to install the GPS device, but our lab is under budget and we are on vacation. Sorry for the inconvenience. Signed, the scientists and researchers".

Fearless Leader: Dang it! I will have to use a map to find Frostbite Falls. Now, where did I put that map?

Narrator: After he finds the map on the back of the note, he drives to Frostbite Falls. He sees two men sitting on a bench.

Fearless Leader: Have you seen Moose and Squirrel?

Edgar: Chauncey, there's a weird guy driving a tank down the road!

Chauncey: Now there is something you don't see everyday, Edgar.

Edgar: Wasn't I supposed to say that?

Chauncey: I don't know, I thought I always answered with the catchphrase.

Edgar: No, I'm pretty sure you would remark about something, and I would answer with that remark.

Chauncey: Really? But I was sure it was the other way around.

Edgar: Maybe we both say the catchphrase?

Fearless Leader: I don't give a dang about who says what, just tell me if you have seen Moose and Squirrel!

Chauncey: Yeah, we saw a moose and squirrel.

Fearless Leader: That's exactly what I am looking for! Where did you see them?

Edgar: They were in a park in Frostbite Falls, but I don't remember what it's called.

Chauncey: It's Frostbite Falls National Park.

Edgar: Oh, that's what it's called. Anyway, we saw a moose and a squirrel there.

Chauncey: Actually, we saw more than one moose, and a lot of squirrels. It's a nice park, but it's not open today.

Edgar: But our neighbours Rocky and Bullwinkle said they were going camping in that area.

Fearless Leader: Wait a minute, Rocky and Bullwinkle are your neighbours? Why didn't you tell me this earlier?

Chauncey: We thought you were looking for wildlife or something.

Edgar: If you said their names, we might have actually told you where they are.

Fearless Leader: Bah! You two are no help at all. After I blast Moose and Squirrel, and the Narrator, and possibly Boris, you two are next!

Chauncey: Edgar, the guy in the tank wants to shoot us!

Edgar: Now there is something you... wait, do I say it, or you?

Fearless Leader: Screw waiting.

The tank doesn't work. He finds another note from the scientists and researchers, saying that they did not finish working on the tank.

Fearless Leader: I can't shoot with this thing?!? Oh well, I'll go to the park and help my spies get Moose and Squirrel.

Chauncey: That was close, Edgar. We were almost shot at.

Edgar: Now that's something you don't-

He immediately drives away from Chauncey and Edgar.

* * *

Narrator: Boris, poorly disguised as a forest ranger, takes Rocky and Bullwinkle to a secluded area, where they meet another phoney park official.

"Park Manager" (Natasha): Hello, I am the manager of Frostbite Falls National Park.

Rocky: Ms. park manager, where are the cabins?

Manager: You can find them at the end of that forest trail, which has no traps whatsoever.

Boris: And there isn't a dangerous swamp either.

Bullwinkle: Oh boy Rocky! We're going on a nature hike!

Rocky: I don't know, Bullwinkle, that trail seems dangerous.

Bullwinkle: Well that huge thing behind that tree seems dangerous, and I'm not complaining.

Narrator: They see a huge figure behind a group of trees, and it is getting closer. Who or what could this shadowy figure be? Could it be a cougar, a bear, Fearless Leader in his tank, or even Mr. Big? Stay tuned for, "It Came from the Trees" or "Watch out for Bears" for a very obvious answer.


	4. Mutiny on the Mountie Dudley DoRight

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Dudley Do-Right are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Rocky: And now it's time for a Dudley Do-Right episode!

Bullwinkle: Then you can find out what happens to us in, "It Came from the Trees" or "Watch out for Bears". This is probably because the writers have writer's block or something.

Rocky: And now for something we hope you'll really like, it's-

**Mutiny on the Mountie (Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties)**

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: This is the great Canadian wilderness, where brave Mounties like Dudley Do-Right always get their man. In fact, there is Dudley riding backwards on his horse, who probably has a proud and noble name.

Dudley Do-Right: Come on Horse, giddy-up!

Narrator: …or not. Anyway, today the forest is quiet, peaceful, serene. That is until Snidely Whiplash shows up.

Snidely Whiplash: Will you stop your somewhat familiar narration? I'm trying to sneak up on Dudley Do-Right!

Narrator: In a tree?

Snidely: Yes, so I can jump on him and tie him to the railroad tracks! Nyahahahaha!

Dudley: Did you hear that, Horse? That sounded like an evil laugh.

He looks at the tree that Snidely is hiding in.

Dudley: Hmm... oh, I know what it is! The evil laugh came from that tree. Wow, I didn't know trees could laugh! You learn something every day, eh Horse?

Horse: *snorts at Dudley*

Dudley: You think someone might be spying on us? Well we should try to arrest him. Let's get ourselves a spy!

As soon as the Mountie starts his search, Horse runs into the tree and Snidely plummets to the ground.

Dudley: That was probably the fastest search ever eh? Hey, I think I've seen you before!

Snidely: Of course you did. I'm Snidely Whiplash, you moronic Mountie!

Dudley: Snidely Wha?

Snidely: _Whiplash_. You know, the villain who plots an evil scheme in every episode, and you always foil them?

Dudley: Oh, you're the guy who likes to do weird things such as tying random people to train tracks and sawmills, right?

Snidely: I guess you could say that.

Dudley: Weren't you arrested for tying Nell to the train tracks again?

Snidely: I was, but thanks to the Canadian justice system, all I got was house arrest. Anyway, you are about to be tied to the railroad tracks!

Dudley: But you usually do that to Nell.

Snidely: I wanted to try something different.

Dudley: That's not different, you're still tying people to the tracks.

Snidely: Fine, I'll just put you in a sawmill. That's different, right?

Dudley: Not really.

Snidely: Maybe I should think of a new plan...

Narrator: While Snidely Whiplash ponders about a perilous plot, Dudley astonishingly does something somewhat intelligent by riding away from him!

Snidely: I've just thought of a brilliant scheme! You will never be able to foil this one, and... hey, where did you go?

Narrator: He got back on Horse and rode away from you.

Snidely: Are you saying that Dudley did something _smart?!?_

Narrator: Surprisingly, yes.

Snidely: This is terrible, I've been outsmarted by Dudley Do-Right! I'll have to get rid of him, so no one will ever know this ever happened. With him out of the way, I will finally be able to get rid of Nell Fenwick and her father.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, the constable rides to the RCMP headquarters, which is run by his boss, Inspector Fenwick.

Inspector Fenwick: Ah, Dudley Do-Right, I see you're back from your border patrol. Have you seen anything suspicious?

Dudley: I didn't see anyone named Suspicious, sir, but I did see Snidely Whiplash.

Fenwick: You saw _who?!?_

Dudley: Snidely Whiplash. Sir, have you ever thought that you might have a hearing problem?

Fenwick: I heard you the first time, it's just that you saw the most villainous man in Canada, and you didn't arrest him!

Dudley: He was just threatening me, you, and your daughter Nell. If I recall, he was just trying to think of ways to get rid of us.

Fenwick: Do-Right, have you considered that he would actually try his fiendish plots later?

Dudley: No, but it's not like he tries to kill us in every episode, right sir?

Fenwick: I have no idea why I hired you.

* * *

Narrator: Dudley visits Nell Fenwick, who had just came back from a vacation.

Dudley: Hi Nell, where did you go for vacation?

Nell Fenwick: I tried to take a vacation in Frostbite Falls, but it wasn't really that great.

Dudley: Why's that?

Nell: It was okay, but some really strange things happen there. I saw a captain randomly walking around, a short man throwing a bomb into someone's house, a tall woman who was talking to him about getting a moose and a squirrel, and an evil officer in a tank who was yelling at some people on a bench.

Dudley: That is strange. It's pretty normal here, we have normal everyday things like a villain with a handlebar moustache who tries to kidnap you and take over Canada, and a horse wearing a Mountie uniform.

Nell: Did you do anything interesting while I was away?

Dudley: I was just riding Horse around the forest. But I talked to Snidely Whiplash earlier. He was just thinking of a new plan to kill us all or something.

Nell: He was?!? Oh Dudley, what are we going to do?

Dudley: I will protect you and your father from the maniacal madman! I am going to look for him right now, with my faithful companion, Horse.

He finds out that Horse is asleep.

Dudley: No problem, I'll look for him by myself.

* * *

Narrator: As the courageous constable attempts to pursue Snidely Whiplash in the forest, he runs into a fellow Mountie. However he has no idea who this mysterious Mountie is.

Dudley: Good day, sir. I don't think I've ever met you before.

"RCMP Chief" (Snidely): I am the Chief of the RCMP in this area. Do-Right, I have a very important mission for you. Your job is to take Inspector Fenwick's hat, and give it to me.

Dudley: Wouldn't that be stealing?

"RCMP Chief" (Snidely): No, it's an order. If you don't get his hat, you'll have to turn in your badge!

Dudley: Yes, sir!

"RCMP Chief" (Snidely): You're actually going steal his hat? Nyahahahaha! You are the dumbest, most gullible person ever!

Dudley: Mr. RCMP Chief, your laugh sounds like Snidely Whiplash's evil laugh. Are you two related? Because if you are maybe you could tell me where he is. I'm supposed to arrest him, and-

He runs off before Dudley can recognize him.

"RCMP Chief" (Snidely): I should really try to be less obvious with my disguises.

Dudley: Bye, Mr. RCMP Chief. Hmm, It's strange that he knew my name before I could tell him. Oh well, I'll just go back and get the hat.

* * *

Narrator: Dudley waits until nightfall, and sneaks into Inspector Fenwick's cabin. He sees Fenwick's hat on a hat rack, and slowly reaches for the cap. As soon as he grabs it, his boss wakes up.

Fenwick: Dudley Do-Right, what are you doing with my hat?!?

Dudley: Uh, this is not what it looks like sir. I wasn't taking it, I was just going to, uh, borrow it?

Narrator: The next morning, Dudley is immediately discharged.

Fenwick: I'm sorry Do-Right, but you gave me no choice but to fire you.

Nell: Father, do you really have to fire him?

Fenwick: Nell, taking a Mountie's hat without authorized permission is a very serious offence.

Nell: Father, you seem to discharge Dudley for everything. You even fired him when he was eating peas with a knife!

Dudley: I had a reason for stealing your hat. You see, there was this guy who was supposed to be the RCMP chief, and-

Fenwick: I don't care what idiotic excuse you have, you are hereby discharged from the Mounted Police!

* * *

Narrator: At midnight, Snidely Whiplash breaks into the RCMP headquarters.

Snidely: At last, Dudley Do-Right is finally out of the way of my brilliant new plan!

Narrator: Snidely kidnaps Nell and her father, and ties them up so they can't escape!

Nell: Help me, Dudley!

Snidely: He can't help you, he is no longer a Mountie!

Fenwick: I say, how did you know that?

Snidely: I disguised myself as an RCMP chief, and ordered him to steal your hat. Now that he's fired, you don't have anyone to save you.

Fenwick: Nell, I'm sorry. I should have just berated Do-Right for being an idiot, like I always do.

Nell: Don't worry father, I'm sure he will rescue us. He's probably pursuing Snidely right now as we speak.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Dudley is just sitting near a lake doing nothing.

Dudley: I don't have a life outside of my job.

Narrator: Suddenly, Horse appears and tells him about what happened.

Dudley: Hi Horse, what happened?

Horse: *neighs*

Dudley: Nell and Mr. Fenwick are in trouble? I've got to rescue them!

Narrator: And so, the constable boldly rides his horse backwards, and runs after the arch villain, who is on top of a huge mountain with his hostages.

Nell: What are you going to do to us?

Snidely: Well since we're on a mountain, it is very obvious that I will push you and your father off the mountain into the freezing lake! And there's no possible way that meddling Mountie can stop me!

Narrator: Dudley Do-Right gets to the top and Horse rams Snidely off the mountain! He doesn't fall into the lake. Instead, his cape gets snagged on a tree branch, and he is hanging from the branch.

Snidely: Oh curses, foiled again!

Fenwick: Well done! Do-Right, you are no longer dishonourably discharged.

Dudley: Thank you, sir, I really don't have anything to do except for my job.

Nell: My hero!

Dudley: Thanks Nell-

He sees Nell with his horse.

Nell: You were so brave, the way you knocked him off the mountain.

Horse: *Neighs*

Snidely: I know you're all probably mad at me for trying to get rid of you, but can someone please help me get off this branch? Anyone?

Narrator: They go back to the cabins, and all is well. Well, maybe not for Snidely Whiplash.

Snidely: Curses, I almost succeeded if it weren't for that meddling Mountie and his Horse. Anyway, I must of did something wrong to screw up so badly… wait, I know! I told them what I was about to do, instead of just pushing them into the lake. It was in one of the books about being an arch villain. It was probably, "How to be a Villain for Dummies" or, "The Ultimate Evil-Doer's Handbook".

Narrator: While Snidely is talking to himself, the branch begins to bend.

Snidely: Why am I talking to myself? And what's the sound?

*Snap*

He is plummeting to the lake.

Snidely: Mr. Narrator, can you end this episode before I fall into the freezing water?

Narrator: No, you told me to shut up earlier.

Snidely: If you end the episode I won't tie you to a sawmill.

Narrator: …fine.

**The End**

Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, there's the bad guy from Dudley Do-Right. Snidely Whatshisname.

Rocky: Whiplash.

Bullwinkle: Yeah, him.

Snidely is frozen in a block of ice.

Bullwinkle: Gee Mr. Whiplash, you look sort of rigid.

Snidely: *tries to talk while he is frozen* note to self… Tie the moose… to a sawmill.

Rocky: The next episode should be part four of Clueless Campers.

Bullwinkle: Unless they have writer's block again.


	5. Watch out for Bears!

**Disclaimer: Rocky and Bullwinkle, and Fractured Fairy Tales are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

Bullwinkle: Hey Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

Rocky: Again? But that trick never works.

Bullwinkle: Nothin' up my sleeve… and presto!

He pulls a bear out of his hat.

Bear: ROAR!!!

Bullwinkle: No doubt about it- I better get another hat.

Rocky: And now here's something we hope you'll really like.

**It Came from the Trees or Watch out for Bears **

Rocky and Bullwinkle Narrator: When we last left our heroes, they-

Bullwinkle: Were just about to be confronted by a bear.

Narrator: How did you know that?

Rocky: Bullwinkle pulled a bear out of a hat earlier. And one of the titles is, "Watch out for Bears".

Bullwinkle: Yeah, even I could figure that out.

Narrator: The shadowy figure becomes visible, and it is obviously a bear.

Papa Bear: Actually, there are three of us. I'm Papa Bear, and she's Mama Bear, and he's Baby Bear.

Mama Bear: We're supposed to be in a Fractured Fairy Tales cartoon about Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Is this where the episode is? Because I don't remember a moose, a squirrel, and poorly disguised park rangers in the story.

Narrator: No, this is a forest from Rocky and Bullwinkle. The Fractured Fairy Tales Forest is that way.

The Three Bears head for a forest in Fractured Fairy Tales.

"Forest Ranger": If you need any more help, ask Captain Peachfuzz for directions. He's a "great" navigator.

"Park Manager": Now that they're gone, are you going to go hiking?

Bullwinkle: We sure are! Come on Rocky, lets go on a nature hike!

Narrator: And so, Rocky and Bullwinkle travel down the trail. However,not only are they oblivious to the rangers really being Boris and Natasha, they are also unaware of the perils that await them on this harrowing hike.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, even the narrator thinks this is dangerous.

Bullwinkle: If we didn't get ourselves stuck in crazy situations every week, we wouldn't have a show.

Rocky: That's true.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, Fearless Leader has reached the entrance to Frostbite Falls National Park.

Fearless Leader: Finally! After talking to those chatterboxes Chauncey and Edgar, I have found the stupid park. Now where is the parking for huge tanks?

Narrator: While attempting to find a parking space, Fearless Leader unwittingly steers the Powitzer into the gate!

The tank crashes and leaves a huge hole.

Fearless Leader: Dang it! When I become the leader of the world, the first thing I am going to do is invent parking spaces for tanks.

Narrator: He tries to start up the Powitzer, but it's-

Fearless Leader: Out of fuel?!? What is the meaning of this?!?

He finds another note.

Fearless Leader: It's from the scientists and researchers again. They only filled half of it with fuel before before going on vacation. *grumbles* I've got to hire more motivated scientists.

Narrator: Fearless Leader jumps out of the tank, and runs into the woods. He runs further and further into the woods until he realizes something.

Fearless Leader: All I need to do is find the cabins. Now let's see, where did I put my map... oh no, I left the map in the Powitzer!

Narrator: After wandering around aimlessly, he bumps into a certain pair of phoney park rangers.

Natasha: Hello dollink, where have you been?

Fearless Leader: I don't want to talk about it.

Boris: Did you run into Captain Peachfuzz?

Fearless Leader: No, I ran into two idiots who spend their time sitting on a bench.

Natasha: You mean Chauncey and Edgar?

Boris: Oh, I've seen them before. Chauncey would usually say, "Now there is something you don't see everyday, Edgar."

Natasha: You're wrong, Edgar would say, "Now there is something you don't see everyday, Chauncey."

Boris: That's ridiculous, I'm sure it was the other way around.

Fearless Leader: Stop talking about that catchphrase! I had to listen to this nonsense from them earlier. Anyway, did you capture Moose and Squirrel yet?

Natasha: No, but we are just about to. They went hiking down the trail, and we have so many traps set up, they will fall in at least one of them.

Boris: And one of them is the hole that you invented.

They hear a large explosion.

*KABOOM*

Boris: The explosives were my idea.

Fearless Leader: I can't believe it. You two actually did something right for once.

Boris: Natasha, we have finally keeled Moose and Squirrel!

Natasha: That's wonderful, dollink.

Fearless Leader: Boris, Natasha, go in there and find out if your trap worked on them.

Boris and Natasha: Yes, boss.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, in the area where the explosion occurred...

Rocky: Hokey Smoke! What was that?!?

Bullwinkle: I think it is something called an explosion.

Rocky: But where did it come from?!?

He looks for evidence as to where it occurred, and finds explosives under a rock ahead of where they were on the trail.

Rocky: We were almost caught in an explosion. I knew Boris and Natasha were up to something.

Bullwinkle: Rocky, stop accusing the forest rangers. They're really nice people who are not familiar, even if we did see them in every adventure that we were in.

Rocky: Forest rangers wouldn't harm the environment. And they wouldn't have explosives with a, "Made in Pottsylvania" logo on them either.

Bullwinkle: I still think they're innocent.

Rocky: Why's that?

Bullwinkle: Because I'm as stubborn as a bull.

Narrator: After that terrible simile, our heroes continue to embark on an epic journey through treacherous, trap-ridden terrain. Suddenly they hear a loud, rumbling noise.

Rocky: What's that sound?

Bullwinkle: It's a bunch of huge logs rolling towards us.

Rocky: How would you know that?

Bullwinkle: There's some logs over there right in front of us.

Rocky: Hokey Smoke!

Narrator: He's right, there are dozens of huge, heavy logs rolling in their path! How will our heroes be able to escape being flattened by the logs? If they do, will they make it through the perils that await them? To find out, be sure to tune it next time for, "Knock on Wood" or "Bull of the Woods".


	6. Fractured Fairy Tales, The Bear

**The Bear (****Fractured Fairy Tales)**

Fractured Fairy Tales Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a witch who lived in a small, isolated cabin in a forest.

The witch is brewing something in a cauldron.

Witch: Eye of newt, toe of frog, wool of bat-

Narrator: Wool of bat?!

Witch: That's exactly what it says in my Witches' Spellbook, dearie.

Narrator: The ingredients remind me of a play. Are you sure that you're reading from a spellbook?

Witch: Yes.

Narrator: Wool of bat is a rather strange ingredient. Do bats even _have _wool?

Witch: No, not really. But I could replace the ingredient with a certain narrator-

Narrator: Um, no, that wouldn't be necessary. Please accept my apologies.

* * *

Narrator: Meanwhile, in a nearby kingdom, there was a king and his daughter. He loved his daughter so much that... he didn't let her leave the castle?! That is an odd way to show affection.

Princess: I agree. Dad, why can't I go out once in a while?

King: I know it sounds weird, but there's a man who ties people to railroad tracks and sawmills.

Princess: Dad, this is a fairy tale. Railroad tracks weren't invented yet.

King: He could invent them somehow, and then tie you to the railroad tracks.

* * *

Narrator: At midnight, there was a strange sound from her bedroom window.

Princess: Zzzzz... huh?! There's a strange sound from my bedroom window!

Narrator: After that irrelevant statement, she opens the window and encounters a perfectly normal, everyday sight of the witch on a floating broomstick from the cabin. The witch has a very important issue to discuss.

Witch: I just found out that you're right. Bats don't have wool.

Narrator: That is not what I was referring to.

Witch: Oh, sorry, Mr. Narrator. Miss Princess, I heard you're not allowed to leave the castle.

Princess: How do you know that?

Narrator: It's a plot hole.

Witch: As I was saying, I can help you escape. All you have to do is find a wheelbarrow and a bear costume.

* * *

Narrator: The princess searched for a wheelbarrow and a bear suit, which are items that are apparently valuable for escaping a castle. Somehow. Now I know what you are thinking. How could she possibly acquire these bizarre objects when she isn't allowed to go anywhere? Well, the king has a hobby that is known as compulsive hoarding. He hoards a significantly large quantity of random objects, and has them stored in a chamber that is protected by guards. Getting past them will surely be a difficult task.

The princess walks past the guards, goes in the storage area, and walks past them with a wheelbarrow and a bear suit.

Guard 1: ...Do you think we should something?

Guard 2: Nah, it's past midnight. We're probably hallucinating or something anyway.

* * *

Narrator: The princess returned to the window with the two objects.

Witch: What took you so long?

Princess: I'm sorry, Ms. Witch. Getting past the guards was difficult. Isn't that right,, Mr. Narrator?

Narrator: Not really.

Witch: Anyway, I will use my magical spellbook to help you escape.

Narrator: Don't forget the "wool of bat".

Witch: Shut up your mouth!

Narrator: And so, the witch cast a spell, without the bat wool of course-

*POOF*

Narrator: -and the results are that her spell does absolutely nothing.

Witch: That's not true! As you can see, I have clearly transformed the princess into a bear.

Princess: Um, no. Actually, I just put the costume on for a disguise. There's a zipper on the back.

Narrator: She proceeded to cast another "spell" to cause the wheelbarrow to move independently and increase its velocity. This took until sunrise for her to remember which spell to use.

*POOF*

Witch: Well, what do you think?

Princess: Wouldn't a bear riding in a wheelbarrow look really, really weird?

Narrator: It will never work.

Witch: Everyone's a critic.

Narrator: After the princess gets in the wheelbarrow, it... actually moved by itself?!?

Princess: It really does work!

Narrator: The not so inconspicuous mode of transportation rides off into the sunset, er, the forest.

Witch: Hmph, she didn't even say thank you.

* * *

Narrator: Coincidentally, there was also a prince in the forest, although he wasn't disguised as a bear or riding in a wheelbarrow, unfortunately.

Prince: Hi, Mr. Narrator! I'm going for a walk with my dog. His name is Dog.

Dog: Arf!

Narrator: No one in this story appears to have actual names, do they?

Prince: No, I guess not.

Narrator: The prince and his dog thought that they would have a normal day. Then they ran into the princess, who had a disguise so odd that only Chauncey and Edgar would consider it normal.

Princess: Hi! It's a nice day for a walk.

Prince: Yeah, it sure is!

Dog: Arf!

Narrator: Are you by any chance related to Dudley Do-Right?

Prince: Yes. Why do you ask?

Narrator: Because that would explain a lot.

* * *

Narrator: He thinks about their previous encounter for five hours.

Prince: .....That was a talking bear in a wheelbarrow!

Narrator: When they returned to his parents' palace, he attempted to explain what happened to his mother.

Prince: But mom, I really did see a bear in a wheelbarrow!

Queen: Do you have any proof?

Dog: Well, I saw her, too. I was trying to tell the idiot so he wouldn't be standing there for five hours.

They stare at the dog.

Dog: Oh, sorry. I messed up my lines. Arf.

Narrator: Suddenly, they hear a loud noise on the roof! The prince goes outside to investigate.

Prince: Hey ma! There's a bear on the roof.

Queen: You're kidding, right?

They see-

Princess: Oh, hi. I was riding my wheelbarrow, but it was going too fast and it rode off a cliff over your roof.

Narrator: The "bear" and the prince became friends, and she lived at his castle. With her wheelbarrow still on the roof.

Princess: Parking spaces weren't invented yet.

Prince: I think it's a nice decoration.

Dog: Arf!

* * *

Narrator: Eventually, the princess fell in love with him.

Princess: Will you marry me?

Prince: Wouldn't kind of be like the girl who's in love with a horse?

Princess: I'm actually a princess.

Prince: Yeah, sure you are.

Princess: No, really, I'm a princess!

She attempts to undo the zipper.

Princess: The zipper's stuck! We'll have to ask the witch for help.

Narrator: And so, the duo and their dog set out for the witch's cabin. Since they had no idea where it is located, they searched for weeks for the elusive cabin. Eventually, the dog found the witch's house. It was located a few metres away from the castle.

Witch: Oh, it's you again. What do you want this time?

Princess: I wanted to become human again, but the zipper on my costume is stuck.

Witch: You were wandering around for weeks because of _that_?! You can't use the zipper because it's on your back. I'll undo it for you.

Narrator: The witch undid the zipper, and the prince found out that she is a princess. They got married and had lots of walks in the forest. Eventually, they decided to be forest rangers instead. They made sure that the bears didn't steal any pic a nic baskets. And they all lived happily ever after.

**The End**


	7. The Dudley Bees

**Disclaimer: The Rocky and Bullwinkle characters, and Dudley Do-Right characters are owned by Jay Ward Productions.**

**The Dudley Bees (Dudley Do-Right of the Mounties)  
**

Dudley Do-Right Narrator: At the close of the nineteenth century, our hero Dudley Do-Right is called to his boss's office for the beginning of his latest adventure.

Dudley Do-Right: What is Snidely Whiplash up to this time, sir?

The inspector appears to ignore him.

Dudley: Um, sir?

Fenwick takes out his earplugs.

Inspector Fenwick: I say, Do-Right, can you please do something about the bloody vuvuzelas?

Dudley: Yes, sir!

Narrator: And so the courageous constable goes out to combat the vuvuzelas.

Dudley: Now if only I knew what a vuvuzela is...

* * *

Narrator: Little do they know that the infernal impostor instruments are actually a swarm of bees! The normally helpful insects are under the control of that nefarious scoundrel, Snidely Whiplash!

Snidely Whiplash: I have stolen all of the bees' precious nectar and pollen. And they can't have any of it unless they do exactly what I tell 'em to! Nyahahahaha!

Narrator: That explains the pollen shortage we had lately.

Dudley: Stop in the name of the law, Snidely Whiplash!

Snidely: Oh, it's you.

Dudley: Shouldn't you running away from the long arm of the law?

Snidely: Nah. Why do that when you could be running away from the long stingers of the bees?

A large swarm appears and flies in Dudley's direction.

Narrator: While frantically trying to run away from the deadly bees, he runs off a nearby cliff. Coincidentally, the Inspector's daughter, Nell, is at the cliff enjoying the scenery.

Nell Fenwick: Dudley, don't fall off the-

Dudley: Oh, hello, N-Nellllllllll!

*THUD*

She peers over the cliff to see if he is all right.

Nell: Are you all right, Dudley?

Dudley gets up, but he is really dizzy.

Dudley: I smell burnt toast...

He faints.

* * *

Narrator: Dudley recovers from his injuries exceedingly fast.

Dudley: It's the Health Care system.

Narrator: While I doubt health care was available in the 1800's, what's important is that he can get back to stopping the scheming Snidely Whiplash. This time he going to Snidely's saw mill.

Dudley: I'll get you this time!

Snidely exits his saw mill.

Snidely: You again? Get him, my insect underlings!

Bees: BZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Narrator: Instead of falling off a cliff, this time the bees caught up with him. Now Dudley is covered with bee stings.

Snidely: I guess you're the _sting_iest man in town!

Dudley: ...I don't get it.

Snidely: Of course you wouldn't.

* * *

Narrator: Dudley ponders the predicament while being cover with bee stings.

Dudley: If only there was a way I could stop that scheming scoundrel...

Narrator: Now you may be wondering where Dudley's horse is. Well, his horse, aptly named Horse, was assigned to bring some imports from the United States into Canada. This is because he has a great career record and never horses around. He just so happens to meet his owner on the way to the Mountie post.

Dudley: Hello, my trusty steed.

Horse: *neighs*

Dudley: You're right! I shouldn't give up now. I must confront the nefarious neigh-sayer!

He pets his horse.

Dudley: Thank you, Horse. You're a really good motivator.

* * *

Narrator: And off he goes to confront the mustachioed menace and his monstrous insects.

Snidely: They're not really monstrous. They're just normal bees who can't have their honey unless I give it to them.

Dudley: You're under arrest for bribery!

Snidely: Drat! Now Do-Right knows about this. So how are you going to arrest me?

Dudley: Well, I, uh... haven't really figured that out. I was recently overwhelmed by my steed's incredible speech-

Snidely: Enough of your babbling! Fellas, you know what to do by now.

Dudley: Oh, no!

Swarm of Bees: BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Narrator: Just as he is about to be stung many times yet again, Horse appears in front of him, and the pack mule, er, horse, is carrying mysterious cargo.

Snidely: Double drat! It's Dudley's much brighter accomplice.

Horse: *neighs*

Snidely: Don't give me that back talk, young man, er, horse. What's in the jars, huh? Is it gold? Money? Ammunition? Out with it, man!

Dudley: Horse.

Snidely: Yeah, sure.

Dudley: I know what's in there! He brought some help, and the loyal Mounties are hiding in those jars.

Snidely: ...You're unbelievably stupid sometimes. No, make that _all _the time.

Horse: *neighs*

Snidely: Now honey makes sense. At least it can fit in those jar- honey_?_!

Narrator: Yes, it's honey all right. And the honey bees are overjoyed. They happily accept the contents of the jar from Horse, and leave people like poor, hapless Do-Right alone. They continue to be productive with their hives.

Dudley: Sweet victory!

Snidely: Oh, brother.

Dudley: I don't have siblings.

Snidely: Never mind, Dudley. Anyway, this sickeningly happy ending is giving _me _the hives.

Narrator: Actually, this will be more of a bittersweet ending. For you see, they are rather angry at you for causing a honey shortage.

Snidely: Those buggers can't sting me. I've got a bowler hat on for protection.

Narrator: You're wearing a top hat.

Snidely: Oh, dr-

Swarm of Bees: BBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Narrator: The peeved off pollinators proceed to sting Snidely many times, and a few more for good measure. But Horse and his trusty human didn't notice, as they went home to receive a good conduct medal.

Snidely: Drat times infinity! And I was having so much fun, too. Since this is the late 1800's, I guess you could say my reign of terror was...

Narrator: Don't say it.

Snidely: ...the bee's knees.

Narrator: All right, then that means...

**The End**

* * *

Bullwinkle is holding a sign with a "B" on it.

Bullwinkle: This episode was brought to you by the letter-

The swarm of bees appear.

Bullwinkle: -Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

Bullwinkle frantically tries to get away from the bees. Snidely appears with many bee stings.

Snidely: Ha, the dummy doesn't even know his alphabet.

Rocky: And now the next episode will be something we hope you'll really like.


End file.
